The View From Above – Being a True and Accurate Journal of Various and Sundry Strange Events in the life of one Smash Kowalski, and his Adventures amongst Wizards, Demons, Faeries, and other Assorted Magical and Mystical Entities.
Part 1 – The Beginning
Boy! That title is a real mouthful. But seeing as how this is supposed to be a true and accurate account of some strange goings on, I thought it would be best to make sure everybody understood just what I’m talking about here.
First, let me introduce myself. My name is Smash Kowalski. Of course, Smash isn’t my real first name, but it’s what I go by. It’s just a nickname I got a long while ago when I was a rambunctious teenager running around with a street gang. I’m a half-human, half-troll changeling. I stand about 7’6” tall and weigh close to 500 pounds. I’m kind of guessing on the weight thing because most scales just don’t handle my weight. Just so you know, my momma was human and my daddy was a troll. That’s a strange story in itself, but I’m not going to go into that here.
Lately, I’ve been hanging around with some mighty strange characters, and it sure seems to generate a lot of interesting times (kind of like in the Chinese curse). Let me tell you about them so you’ll know exactly what I’ve been dealing with. First, there’s this wizard that I call Thor. He likes to run around with a blacksmith’s hammer and pound on things, and he sometimes kind of jumps into things without thinking them through first like I do. Then there’s Tiny Dancer. She’s this cute little thing that works at her family’s restaurant, but she is also one of those wizard types. She generally has her head squarely on her shoulders. The third wizard in our little group is Preacher Man. He doesn’t like it when I call him that, but he’s always slapping people when they cuss a little bit or ‘take the Lord’s name in vain’. The only people I ever met that did that kind of thing were preachers, so the name just seemed appropriate. He’s also a cowboy, or thinks he is anyway. It seems he came from the Old West through time somehow and ended up stuck here with us. Another member of our team is Princess. He’s a really nice guy that is always trying to show how human he is, but I’ve seen him do some mighty strange things, so I think there’s some kind of mystical being in his background somewhere. I’m just not sure what it is though. We also have Sparky, who is a human Private Investigator that got sucked up in some vampire troubles a while back, and now trouble just seems to follow him around. I’ll tell you later how he got that name. Lastly, we’ve got Legal Eagle, our friendly neighborhood lawyer. He sure seems to have some strange connections, but he comes in handy sometimes when we have some legal problems.
Anyway, that’s enough about the gang right now. Let me tell you a little bit about our latest doings. I was over at Graceland, which is normal for me because I just love the King. After a while I got hungry, so I went over to Momma G’s for some good eats, and it seems that most of the rest of the group must have had the same idea, because they were already there. I ordered my usual (4 whole chickens and a diet coke – I’m trying to keep my weight down). Well it turns out that one of the cooks was having some troubles with a niece of his. It seems she had gotten into some pretty heavy drugs and was having some serious problems. He asked Tiny Dancer if she might be able to do some magical work to find out what was going on, and since the rest of us were there, we all just decided to tag along in case we could help out. When we got to her house, we saw that she was throwing such a fit and causing such a ruckus that her parents had chained her to her bed. Now normally I don’t like the idea of hurting children like that, but she’s about eighteen, and they were just trying to help, so I didn’t say anything about it.
Well the wizards decided to do some sort of ritual magic thing to draw out the drugs from the poor girl, and they proceeded to do a bunch of mumbo-jumbo and chanting and such. The next thing you know, that poor little girl started oozing blood from all over her body. Now I’ve got a tough stomach, but the sight of that just sent my kind of bonkers, so I decided that I needed to get out of there, and I left. The only thing is, I was in such a state that I forgot to open the doors first, so I’m afraid I left a couple of troll-size holes in the house. Princess got so upset about it that he ran over and snapped the chains on the girl (kind of unusual for a normal human) and covered her with his body to keep her from any more harm. Sparky had been outside, and when I came rushing out he ran in to see what was going on. He saw his friend Princess covering the girl, surrounded by a bunch of wizards, and he kind of got the wrong impression about what was happening. It got kind of tense in there for a while, but they finally got everything settled down. Meanwhile, I was outside letting off some steam by ripping up a tree and starting to break it into little pieces. It just calms me down to be able to do something with my hands.
Now it turns out that the girl wasn’t really hurt. It’s just that the drugs she was taking were red to begin with, and when those wizards pulled it out of her it just looked really gross. Anyway, we all went off to see what we could find out about the drugs and where she might have gotten them, because we were all in agreement that we needed to find out who was handing out such bad stuff and go do something about it.
I went off to see what I could find out about the drugs. Since it seemed to be a gang that was doing things, I decided to go look up my old gang and see what they might know about it. Needless to say, they weren’t real happy to see me, but I managed to convince them to give me some information without anybody getting hurt. Over at the restaurant, Tiny Dancer had a visit from some gang members that tried to cause trouble. They did a little damage to the place, but she convinced them to leave without serious harm. Meanwhile, the wizards were doing another of those ritual things to try and track the drugs. Apparently this one worked out better, because nobody told me about any explosions or violence or any such thing. We all decided to go over to the gang’s hangout and see what we could find out. Princess and I went around to the back, where there were a couple of gangers that took exception to us trying to get into the house. We managed to convince them that it would be best for them to go to sleep for a while, and we went in the back door. There were a couple other gangers mixing up some drugs in the kitchen, but apparently it was their nap time as well, so they decided to take get some shut-eye. Up front, Thor decided to just barge in the front door. He’s a little hasty about things like that sometimes. He got a good dose of buckshot for his efforts, but between him and the other wizards they managed to gather up the rest of the gang. They decided to destroy the drugs that the gang had at the house, so Thor decides to intimidate the gangers by burning up the drugs with some fancy fire spell he’s got. That didn’t work out so good, since the burning drugs put off a lot of smoke, and everybody there got a good whiff of them. Legal Eagle got a real good buzz from them, and decided to prove how manly he is by taking on the toughest guy there, which he considered to be none other than little old me. He shot me with his little gun, which hurt a little bit, but I managed to take his toy away from him before he did something really stupid. Preacher Man gave him a little jolt using another of those wizard spells, and Legal Eagle decided to take a nap. After that, we looked around the place and found a cell phone and a little black book that looked it was in some kind of code or foreign language. We took them along with us when we left. We also decided to just leave the gangers there, figuring they wouldn’t be real likely to cause any more problems.
We all went off to Thor’s warehouse for a while to see what we could find out about the source of the drugs. Somewhere along the way it turns out that the cell phone was fried, so we couldn’t get anything off of it. Legal Eagle decided to do some research on the little black book, so he took it when he woke up. We were just sitting around hashing things out when the wards (magical spells of some sort that are supposed to protect the warehouse) started going off. Sparky and I went outside to have a look, and Preacher Man came along. We saw a bunch of hamsters (can you believe it?) running up at the warehouse and frying themselves on the wards. We also heard this weird drumming from someplace close by. It turns out that the hamsters were zombie hamsters, and they were being controlled by this necromancer guy hiding out there. Anyway, Sparky saw this vampire guy and this drummer standing out in the parking lot, so he decided to go run them down with his car. He got a good head of steam going, but all of a sudden some ganger guy goes and shoots an RPG at him. It mostly missed, but it still did enough to flip his car over. I ran off to help him and set his car back up again. The wizards decided to beef up the wards, so they somehow hooked them in to the power grid, which really fried those hamsters. The boss hamster decided to leave, but he had one of his gangers shoot another RPG at the warehouse. The wizards managed to keep it from doing any damage, though. Meanwhile, Princess took off after the bad guys, and a while later he came back with a piece of the bumper of the car. I don’t know how he managed to get that, but he thought the wizards would be able to use it to track the car. Meanwhile Sparky decided to go back in the warehouse, but he doesn’t really get the wizard thing, so he didn’t realize that the wards were still active. He touched the door and lit up like a Christmas tree. There were sparks flying around like fireworks. That’s why I call him Sparky now. I picked him up and carried him inside, and everybody decided to call it a night.
Legal Eagle went off to research the book, and the rest of us started to work on how to catch up with this big bad vampire guy and teach him not to mess with us. Princess has some contacts in the underground fight clubs, and apparently the Red Court vampires run a big fight club, so he managed to get invited to a Red Court fight. He gave me a number to call, and after a brief interview (all they did was look at me and say OK), I got invited to the fight as well. Everybody else did a bunch of different things to get in to the fight club. Sparky dressed up in some silly disguise of some sort. Apparently the Red Court really doesn’t like him and so he needed to hide from them if he was going to get into the club.
I’ve got to go now – I’ll tell you more later.